This post is aimed at the Third Culture Kids out there. And possibly, even the diasporic ones. But anyone can read it. To start off, let me tell you a little bit about myself. My parents are basically Tamil, but I grew up in a small town called Bacheli, in the Dantewada district of Chhattisgarh. I grew up speaking Tamil at home, Hindi outside with my friends, and English at school. At least we were supposed to speak in English, though we mostly didn't follow that rule.
Having studied in a boarding school for the first five months of my school life, I picked up some good English. Further, due to my parents being fluent in English, fluency in English came easy for me, unlike many of my classmates. Over time, I began reading story books. Most of these story books were set in the West (like most English books are). I also read quite a few biographies of missionaries, who were mostly Western.
The reason for my growing up in Chhattisgarh was that my parents are missionaries. And so growing up, I realized that I was different from the rest of my classmates. My religion was different than most, my parents' work was different, and our language was different. Perhaps that's one of the reasons I found the characters in my books more relate able than my own classmates. Just before my tenth grade, we moved to Bangalore, and I made better friends, mostly during College. But the idea of me not fitting in with my peers always remained. Another factor that played into me not fitting in at Bangalore was that my parents were highly educated and yet we were sort of not in the upper middle class category. So culturally I related to the upper middle class folks but I couldn't relate to them financially (hanging out where they do and so on).
All this isn't to say that I had a horrible childhood. I always realized my parents had a special call and that required sacrifice. I was proud of them and related with them. It was after the move to Bangalore that the dissonance became pronounced. And since then I dreamed of going to the US (or something like that) cos I might relate better to the people there, or that I might fit in better there.
Moreover, the idea of not fitting in created this mad desire in me to try really hard to get an identity. I tried hard to become a really good guitarist. I tried playing football. And I tried reading a lot and becoming extremely intelligent. Or at least pretending to be. But none of it really worked. There was always someone better. I realized that I did not particularly play the guitar or football or read purely because I loved it. And that was sort of the difference between the ones who were really good at it and myself. Yes, I did grow to love it, but it was a mild love, not a wild passion. And that made a big difference.
Eventually, this desire for acceptance went too far. Do people find me funny? Do they think I'm smart enough? Do they think I try too hard? Do they genuinely enjoy my company? Would they miss me if I'm not there? And I started becoming jealous of the guys who seemed to get all the attention. Not to say I did not get my fair deal of attention. But it was never enough. All because I felt I did not fit in.
Back to some information about myself. I identify as a Christian. Not because 'Caleb' is a name found in the Bible. But because I believe Jesus Christ died on the cross to redeem me and make me right with God. And because I chose to follow him as his disciple. Now, my faith was a constant struggle in itself. Even the practice of my faith (or the living out of it) often became more about the performance, about how people would view me. Would they think I loved God? Would they think I was a self sacrificing Christian? This caused me further distress because in addition to being a desperate attention seeker I realized I was also a hypocrite.
During my College years I got a few friends who I shared many similarities with. Christians struggling with identity. That helped. Having friends in difficult places is comforting (as sad as that sounds). But in the past few months, I believe I am seeing some improvement in my struggle with identity. And I want to share with you some things that have helped, hoping it might help ya'll too.
Firstly, I realized that it is alright to feel that I don't fit in. Because I wasn't meant to. As a Christian, the Bible says I am an alien and a stranger. And often times, my feelings don't align with my thought convictions. But I need to first know the truths and then keep reminding myself of it, so that eventually I start feeling feelings appropriate to the truths I believe in. I need to know and then remind myself that I don't belong here in this world. And I will never fit in. And that's okay. Because Christianity has this great hope that eventually I will be home. And there I will fit in.
Secondly, I realized that I am already loved and adored more than most people in this world. If I'm accused of pride or a superiority complex for this belief, so be it. It is not that I deserved this love. On the contrary, I completely do not deserve it. However, Christ loved me so much that he died for me. So I don't need to feel threatened about my performance. That I need to keep up my performance or I'll lose this love.
Thirdly, I realized that as a Christian I belong to a family. The family of God as the Bible puts it. And this family consists of all genuine Christians in the world. And if a particular Christian I come across has the right understanding of the Scriptures, the person already loves me not for what I do or for how impressive my performance is but because of what Christ has done for the both of us.
These three points helped me gradually develop an identity in Christ. The ramifications of being a Christian are far and deep. I still often crave the attention of people around me. And that's why it requires a constant reminding of who I am in Christ. And trust me, it is really liberating to find my identity in Christ rather than in what I do. Cos I can enjoy the company of people just for the joy and fun we have without worrying constantly about what they think of me. I can enjoy playing music without worrying about how my music skills would be rated by another person. And so on and so forth. And that is my encouragement to all people who feel they can relate with my struggles. Remind yourself of these truths and believe it. It just might help.
For those who don't believe in Jesus Christ, but have read this blog post till here, here are some lines written by C S Lewis in 'Mere Christianity.' Maybe it might serve as some food for thought.
"The Christian says, Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger: well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim: well, there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire: well, there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing."
