Fitting in as a Third Culture Kid (or a Missionary Kid)

This post is aimed at the Third Culture Kids out there. And possibly, even the diasporic ones. But anyone can read it. To start off, let me tell you a little bit about myself. My parents are basically Tamil, but I grew up in a small town called Bacheli, in the Dantewada district of Chhattisgarh. I grew up speaking Tamil at home, Hindi outside with my friends, and English at school. At least we were supposed to speak in English, though we mostly didn't follow that rule.

Having studied in a boarding school for the first five months of my school life, I picked up some good English. Further, due to my parents being fluent in English, fluency in English came easy for me, unlike many of my classmates. Over time, I began reading story books. Most of these story books were set in the West (like most English books are). I also read quite a few biographies of missionaries, who were mostly Western.

The reason for my growing up in Chhattisgarh was that my parents are missionaries. And so growing up, I realized that I was different from the rest of my classmates. My religion was different than most, my parents' work was different, and our language was different. Perhaps that's one of the reasons I found the characters in my books more relate able than my own classmates. Just before my tenth grade, we moved to Bangalore, and I made better friends, mostly during College. But the idea of me not fitting in with my peers always remained. Another factor that played into me not fitting in at Bangalore was that my parents were highly educated and yet we were sort of not in the upper middle class category. So culturally I related to the upper middle class folks but I couldn't relate to them financially (hanging out where they do and so on).

All this isn't to say that I had a horrible childhood. I always realized my parents had a special call and that required sacrifice. I was proud of them and related with them. It was after the move to Bangalore that the dissonance became pronounced. And since then I dreamed of going to the US (or something like that) cos I might relate better to the people there, or that I might fit in better there.

Moreover, the idea of not fitting in created this mad desire in me to try really hard to get an identity. I tried hard to become a really good guitarist. I tried playing football. And I tried reading a lot and becoming extremely intelligent. Or at least pretending to be. But none of it really worked. There was always someone better. I realized that I did not particularly play the guitar or football or read purely because I loved it. And that was sort of the difference between the ones who were really good at it and myself. Yes, I did grow to love it, but it was a mild love, not a wild passion. And that made a big difference.

Eventually, this desire for acceptance went too far. Do people find me funny? Do they think I'm smart enough? Do they think I try too hard? Do they genuinely enjoy my company? Would they miss me if I'm not there? And I started becoming jealous of the guys who seemed to get all the attention. Not to say I did not get my fair deal of attention. But it was never enough. All because I felt I did not fit in.

Back to some information about myself. I identify as a Christian. Not because 'Caleb' is a name found in the Bible. But because I believe Jesus Christ died on the cross to redeem me and make me right with God. And because I chose to follow him as his disciple. Now, my faith was a constant struggle in itself. Even the practice of my faith (or the living out of it) often became more about the performance, about how people would view me. Would they think I loved God? Would they think I was a self sacrificing Christian? This caused me further distress because in addition to being a desperate attention seeker I realized I was also a hypocrite.

During my College years I got a few friends who I shared many similarities with. Christians struggling with identity. That helped. Having friends in difficult places is comforting (as sad as that sounds). But in the past few months, I believe I am seeing some improvement in my struggle with identity. And I want to share with you some things that have helped, hoping it might help ya'll too.

Firstly, I realized that it is alright to feel that I don't fit in. Because I wasn't meant to. As a Christian, the Bible says I am an alien and a stranger. And often times, my feelings don't align with my thought convictions. But I need to first know the truths and then keep reminding myself of it, so that eventually I start feeling feelings appropriate to the truths I believe in. I need to know and then remind myself that I don't belong here in this world. And I will never fit in. And that's okay. Because Christianity has this great hope that eventually I will be home. And there I will fit in.

Secondly, I realized that I am already loved and adored more than most people in this world. If I'm accused of pride or a superiority complex for this belief, so be it. It is not that I deserved this love. On the contrary, I completely do not deserve it. However, Christ loved me so much that he died for me. So I don't need to feel threatened about my performance. That I need to keep up my performance or I'll lose this love.

Thirdly, I realized that as a Christian I belong to a family. The family of God as the Bible puts it. And this family consists of all genuine Christians in the world. And if a particular Christian I come across has the right understanding of the Scriptures, the person already loves me not for what I do or for how impressive my performance is but because of what Christ has done for the both of us.

These three points helped me gradually develop an identity in Christ. The ramifications of being a Christian are far and deep. I still often crave the attention of people around me. And that's why it requires a constant reminding of who I am in Christ. And trust me, it is really liberating to find my identity in Christ rather than in what I do. Cos I can enjoy the company of people just for the joy and fun we have without worrying constantly about what they think of me. I can enjoy playing music without worrying about how my music skills would be rated by another person. And so on and so forth. And that is my encouragement to all people who feel they can relate with my struggles. Remind yourself of these truths and believe it. It just might help.

For those who don't believe in Jesus Christ, but have read this blog post till here, here are some lines written by C S Lewis in 'Mere Christianity.' Maybe it might serve as some food for thought.

"The Christian says, Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger: well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim: well, there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire: well, there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing."

Take notes: It's 2017!

Hello everybody!

I think civility demands me to first and foremost wish everyone a happy new year! I must though tell you of a certain friend of mine who laughed when I said, happy new year. She found the wish ironic since it is highly probable that the year is not going to be a happy one. Don't we all love cynics? No? Just me? Oh, well...

So I've been thinking that the best way to start the year would be by taking up a good five minutes of your time with a rant on something that has been annoying me for a while now. And that is the Indian education system. Now, I don't want to sound like one of those annoying urban teenagers (though I am said to be annoying, live in a city, and am a teenager) who keeps complaining about India and keeps praising the West. I love India, and am truly truly grateful for many things here. And just like I dislike things about my own self, I think I can be allowed to dislike certain things in this country of mine. (Audible gasps and whispers of the word 'anti-national' are heard.)

What motivated me to type out this rant has been this one class, and particularly the teacher, who dictates notes to us, and insists on us taking it down. What makes this worse is that, the class is English Literature. Now, I happen to love the subject naturally, but when archaic practices such as dictating of notes happens in the class, I lose all interest. However, the practice in itself cannot be blamed. There is a cycle where existing values held in the country prompt such practices to exist, and such practices in turn, fuel the values. This value system has prompted us to place our values on all the wrong things. The root of this problem is an unhealthy emphasis on productivity, which may or may not reflect our love for money.

A few examples of this can be seen in our day to day lives. I'm sure most of us have heard such lines as, "At the end of the day you need marks to show. Otherwise, no one will employ you." "Is there any scope in that field?" And so on and so forth. Educational institutes have become centres that feed the industry with employable youth, and not centres of learning. This explains the increasing number of institutes where authoritarian modes of management prevail. Students are discouraged from engaging in dialogue with the management, because such people who do engage in such dialogues may cause harm to the industry by questioning practices and policies there. Uniformity is praised, and eccentricity and radicalism is shunned. Formal attire is enforced because the industry will demand the same, and many such rules are enforced. The companies that recruit these graduates benefit because they get the kind of people they want, and the institution benefits because with more placements, more students want to join their institution.

Another indicator of this value system can be seen in recent events. Educational institutes, where ideas need to be encouraged, and solutions for the ills of the society should be thought of, are being highly restricted in the expression of their ideas. Many people are calling for the closing down of Central Universities where students are spending public money to talk about the problems of society and possible solutions, rather than getting trained to become machines that will work for the industry and become 'productive.'

I would not really have an issue with the emphasis on productivity. It does raise the standard of living and whatnot. But the problem with just being productive is that the emphasis is on survival. Get good marks, and get a decent job. Make a decent living, and produce offspring that will continue the cycle. We have lost the drive to live; the drive to further the growth of culture and civilization, and we are reaching stagnation. I don't want to just survive. I want to live and grow. And I wish many more of us wished that.

So, to that teacher who insists on me taking notes, "I'm sorry, I think we can do so much more."

And with that, adios!

P.S. Sorry, this rant was rather long, and not as light hearted as my other posts, but I guess I was just venting out. And if you did read this super boring piece till the end, thank you! And here's to hoping I'll be a bit more regular in my posts in 2017.