Being Pretentious: For Dummies

Good evening, dear Netizens!

I believe, (and quite rightly I must say for I'm seldom wrong) that everybody likes to pretend. Anybody who has the cruel misfortune of being acquainted with me outside of the virtual world would know that I, for one, am a person who loves to be pretentious. If any of you doubt the fact, you are free to read my article entitled "How do monkeys balance themselves on trees?" (yes, I know, that was a subtle advertisement.)

Though everybody likes to pretend to be something they are not, nobody likes it when someone else is pretentious. So, how do we deal with this? Simple. Be pretentious without allowing others to find out that you are being pretentious. If you are worried that this is a mammoth task, you have good cause to worry. However, if you read this post till the end, you might be slightly better prepared to a life of prolonged subtle pretentiousness. And that is because I shall give you some three simple pieces of advice on how to be pretentious.

1. Have an opinion: the first thing to do is to have an opinion on everything under the sun. And over it, above it, beyond it, within it, etc. Do not, for a moment think that you are not fit to have an opinion. Never forget that you are a self proclaimed expert; it doesn't matter in what. You are an expert, and that is the end of it. And as such, it is not only your right, but your duty to have an expert opinion on things.

2. Use a patronizing tone: this is something that is quite often overlooked by most novices. To take your pretentiousness to the next level, don't forget to work on your tone. Do not press upon a point. When someone disagrees with you or criticizes you, put on a sympathetic face, and say something like, "you'll grow out of it soon. I used to be the same as you, so I totally understand."

3. Employ an ornamental idiolect: using fancy and big words give off the impression that you actually know a lot. It is not mandatory to actually know the meaning of the words you use. Draw confidence from the fact that even the people you talk to are being pretentious. They will pretend to know the word. If some rare bird still asks, use step 2.

These three points were just to get you started. There are countless other subtleties that you will need to learn as you begin this journey of pretentiousness. But, if all this seems rather difficult and you would rather not go through all this trouble, just be honest. Honestly, it is far more liberating and easier to just be yourself. You save a lot of work. And it's not like any of us is particularly fond of hard work, is it?