Being Pretentious: For Dummies

Good evening, dear Netizens!

I believe, (and quite rightly I must say for I'm seldom wrong) that everybody likes to pretend. Anybody who has the cruel misfortune of being acquainted with me outside of the virtual world would know that I, for one, am a person who loves to be pretentious. If any of you doubt the fact, you are free to read my article entitled "How do monkeys balance themselves on trees?" (yes, I know, that was a subtle advertisement.)

Though everybody likes to pretend to be something they are not, nobody likes it when someone else is pretentious. So, how do we deal with this? Simple. Be pretentious without allowing others to find out that you are being pretentious. If you are worried that this is a mammoth task, you have good cause to worry. However, if you read this post till the end, you might be slightly better prepared to a life of prolonged subtle pretentiousness. And that is because I shall give you some three simple pieces of advice on how to be pretentious.

1. Have an opinion: the first thing to do is to have an opinion on everything under the sun. And over it, above it, beyond it, within it, etc. Do not, for a moment think that you are not fit to have an opinion. Never forget that you are a self proclaimed expert; it doesn't matter in what. You are an expert, and that is the end of it. And as such, it is not only your right, but your duty to have an expert opinion on things.

2. Use a patronizing tone: this is something that is quite often overlooked by most novices. To take your pretentiousness to the next level, don't forget to work on your tone. Do not press upon a point. When someone disagrees with you or criticizes you, put on a sympathetic face, and say something like, "you'll grow out of it soon. I used to be the same as you, so I totally understand."

3. Employ an ornamental idiolect: using fancy and big words give off the impression that you actually know a lot. It is not mandatory to actually know the meaning of the words you use. Draw confidence from the fact that even the people you talk to are being pretentious. They will pretend to know the word. If some rare bird still asks, use step 2.

These three points were just to get you started. There are countless other subtleties that you will need to learn as you begin this journey of pretentiousness. But, if all this seems rather difficult and you would rather not go through all this trouble, just be honest. Honestly, it is far more liberating and easier to just be yourself. You save a lot of work. And it's not like any of us is particularly fond of hard work, is it?

I want to buy sunglasses!

Yaay! Finally, after nearly a year comes the next post. Yes, I'm still alive. And recently, I've been thinking that sunglasses are really cool. I came to this conclusion a few months back, when I wore my friend's sunglasses while I was with him on his car. It was a sunny day, and it made seeing things much easier. In other words, it presented a 'world' that was slightly different from the world without the sunglasses - a world that was easier on the eyes.

After doing some research on sunglasses, I found that different shades of colour on different sunglasses serve different purposes. Some sunglasses make colour viewing easier while some increase contrasts. Let me explain this in very simple words. If you wear sunglasses with a red shade, everything you view will be slightly red in colour. Do you follow? That's not exactly what happens with professional lenses but the main idea is that each lens presents a slightly different 'world'. Some of these 'worlds' are more brighter than others, some are colourful, and so on and so forth.

Now, in a figurative sense, we all are wearing sunglasses of some sort all the time. Let me give an example. If a person, say for example, Ramesh, has an experience of being betrayed in the past by someone he trusted a lot, he will view everyone henceforth suspiciously. Whereas, another person, say Suresh, who has not had such an experience will find it easier to trust people. In such a scenario, our examples, Ramesh and Suresh, are wearing different sunglasses. This is what social scientists would call 'worldview'.

If you remember my last post (if not, quickly go read it), I talked about how writers and filmmakers present miniature worlds (known as microcosms) in their works of fiction. And though these microcosms may or may not be accurate depictions of the world we live in, they show us the 'world' that the writer or filmmaker sees. In other words, the microcosm shows us the sunglasses the creator of the microcosm wears. A good example would be Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien. Tolkien presents hobbits (who are little and don't have special abilities) as the actual saviors of the world. The sunglasses worn by Tolkien make him see the common man, who is not much celebrated, as the true hero. Another example can be 'The Lego Movie' itself. The creators of the movie wear sunglasses that make them think that artistry and business are in opposition to each other, and that they shouldn't be. Both these statements can be contested. However, their 'worldview' informs them that these statements are true.

Every artist, writer, or filmmaker wears 'sunglasses.' It is interesting to start looking for these sunglasses. When you start doing that in works of art, like books and movies, you will naturally be able to do that in real life as well. And knowing what sunglasses your friend wears will help you understand why he likes Batman more than Superman (though we all know that Superman is cooler)! And as a result, we can all live happily ever after (well, not exactly, of course)!

The End...